The X

I have this overwhelming desire to figure out where the X fits into my life. There is an attachment there, I think more so on my side, that treads a fine line. I depend on him for so many things, his opinions, his parenting, his friendship. When any of those threaten to drop off, I admittedly freak out.

As one friend put it, there is and will always be a spark there between us. I'm not sure I see it that way, there are many good reasons why I can't be married to him anymore, but the reasons of friendship stand strong. It is hard to figure out mainly because I'm not sure if he feels the same way. He freaks out when I start dating someone.

The big admission is that I still sleep on my side of the bed. In the morning the other side is relatively untouched. It's kind of embarrassing but there you have it. It's ingrained I think, from years of sleeping on "my side". I do fear becoming that sort of person who is stuck in their ways and has no space for someone new. Being aware of that helps I guess.

It's all a process. I will be patient and see how it all pans out. Of course the lawyers may just have some kind of say there. And perhaps when that part of the process is over, which to him is closure and significant, he will retreat. Who knows, I certainly hope not. But I am not a seer of the future, though I often pretend to be.