Expectations

Sometimes I commit myself to an idea in such a way that it can be detrimental. I convince myself so empirically of something that it goes beyond my assumptions or even my lame attempts at prediction.

I know exactly why I do it. It’s the morbid factor that I’ve always had, the what-if scenario. I wed myself to the most horrible idea so that any variable of the truth doesn’t hurt me. It’s a protection mechanism. But the truth is, it causes immense stress.

After having this history of being taken aback (the stroke and separation were bombs) I felt the only way to move forward was to think this way. As day-to-day dramas play out, I found I was less surprised if I had already thought of that worst-case scenario.

It is negative, no doubt, and perhaps even bitter. It’s based on my expectations of others, something I have tried to drive out of myself, but it’s difficult. I expect him to call, I expect her to behave this way, I expect them to think this of me. Not only is it disappointing, but also I find myself creating quite a drama out of it when it doesn’t go my way. It’s actually kind of bratty when I come to think of it in this light.

Slowly I am learning to take a step back and see things in a broader scope. Yet another cliché helps immensely-walking in someone else’s person’s shoes. It’s true though, when I think of something from all possible sides, it’s rarely as bad as I imagined. In fact that expansion of thought gives way to some incredible ideas and a more innocent way of thinking.

There was a time when I thought the best of everyone, that at heart, most people were good. So a pat on the back for naïveté and a welcome back.