Major Realizations

Sometimes you forget what someone is really about. Kind of similar to the way women forget about the torment and pain of childbirth. Similar. To think you can get back into something and completely forget the bad part about it.

I'm smartening up about what it means to have the X as a friend. Yes, I do depend on him, but there are certain ways in which he will never change. One of these reminders popped up recently, let's just call it a case of inflexibility, where he restated one of his lines from 2 years ago.

I realized that he hides within this communications "message track". It is his safety balloon. His guidelines to life, even if they end up leaving out others ie. exwife and kids. Okay, okay, he's not a bad guy, in the least, but to have to brutally remember that this is how it was when we were married and this is how it evermore shall be.

It doesn't matter that the ensuing events of the last year should have shaken things up majorly, as they did for me, they obviously didn't for him. A major realization, a reminder of why I left, and I good way to move on armed with that knowledge.

Anticipation begins

This marks a week of reflection on an upcoming anniversary that profoundly changed my life.

I didn’t think I would see it as such, especially at this point, but as time goes by (it will be the one year mark) I am slowly learning more details from others that paint a bigger picture. Together with my own realizations the culminating anniversary is hopefully going to be instrumental in my moving forward in life.

It is not something I have ever wanted to be defined by, but I see now that it was a big part of this stage of my life as it not only affected me, but the people close to me. And in a major way complicated the terms of leaving my X.

Today is Mother’s Day. It was happy last year but days after that everything changed for a long time to come. Today I am in a happier place, I feel good, waiting for my kids to serve me breakfast in bed. But I can’t help thinking, it’s been a hell of a year.

Tunes

Sometimes I feel like a teenager. The thing that does it the most, is listening to music and having it become so emotional. I still can't listen to certain tunes. I cry, its pathetic really. But I'm amazed at how it gets to me.

Missing him, asking why, pining, contemplating, these are all the thoughts that come into my mind listening to some songs. I can't listen to anything he turned me on to. Then there are these ones that just make me weep.

I have actually had friends (and the X) tell me to listen to happier music. I contended that sad music made me happy. But it's not true and I'm not sure what to do about it. I think when I listen to those songs I feel taken back to the time when it was all hopeful. And now, knowing there is no hope, I just cry.

The X

I have this overwhelming desire to figure out where the X fits into my life. There is an attachment there, I think more so on my side, that treads a fine line. I depend on him for so many things, his opinions, his parenting, his friendship. When any of those threaten to drop off, I admittedly freak out.

As one friend put it, there is and will always be a spark there between us. I'm not sure I see it that way, there are many good reasons why I can't be married to him anymore, but the reasons of friendship stand strong. It is hard to figure out mainly because I'm not sure if he feels the same way. He freaks out when I start dating someone.

The big admission is that I still sleep on my side of the bed. In the morning the other side is relatively untouched. It's kind of embarrassing but there you have it. It's ingrained I think, from years of sleeping on "my side". I do fear becoming that sort of person who is stuck in their ways and has no space for someone new. Being aware of that helps I guess.

It's all a process. I will be patient and see how it all pans out. Of course the lawyers may just have some kind of say there. And perhaps when that part of the process is over, which to him is closure and significant, he will retreat. Who knows, I certainly hope not. But I am not a seer of the future, though I often pretend to be.

Cruise control

If there is such a thing as being in conscious cruise control, that's what I feel I'm doing now. Everything is going at a slow, routine and steady pace. To the point that if a curve ball is thrown I think I would be in Matrix-mode and deal with it as it comes toward me in slow motion.

It's a good feeling though at the same time hoping the sky won't fall in on me. The minor dramas are manageable. These would be mostly health related. The days I can't walk well, when the pain is just consistently there. It's a double edged sword trying to push through it. It took a very long time for me to get in tune with my physical situation, the recovery. I ignored it for a long time, and the emotional recovery lagged behind that even.

Now they both feel like they've caught up to each other. If I'm aware, or conscious, enough, I can handle both. Damn that universe in balance theory. It's a killer. The feeling of being in charge of those two parts (and still not the total me) takes a lot of effort. But I'm doing it or trying to my way.

What a girl needs

Wondering why the hell I have such needs. Just talked to the X. He is on a business trip and was just desperate to get to a hotel with a shower. It made me realize how complex my needs were compared to his primal ones. Not to say that he doesn't have lonely moments too, I know he does.

When dinner is on the table and the kids won't eat, every mother mentions starving kids in Africa. I feel that way with my emotional desires. Who the hell cares? Is there not so much more to life than this self indulgent piece? Has it not caused me and every other person I know, so much grief and trouble?

Tonight is bad. I feel lonely and needy. I reached out to the X and those needs were somewhat met. Friends too, talking always helps, but I hate being that person, " oh poor me." It feels weak and kind of pathetic. I am lucky to have a good relationship with him. He is still the coolest guy I know, and my ally in many ways.

Tomorrow will be better, it always is.

The time is now

The cute guy from the 8th floor smiled at me. I wanted to respond about what he last said, benign in fact, something about what a great view I must have from the top floor. My daughter had said to me " Mom, he wants to see your view." Unfortunately any possible response would have sounded cougar-esque, and anything I said would have sounded like I was channeling Marge Simpson's sisters. So I stretched my lips into a fake smile, quietly reacting to his presence.

The point of this is that there is something new in the air. It feels new in a way that rebirth can feel. My whole demeanor is relaxed, but not dumb. I can still let innocence play its part, but rationality is still there at the centre.

There is a shift in balance. What once would have left me spinning goes away quite quickly. The scars, or memories really, are all still there, like the reminders of potholes in a road well-travelled. I just swerve over them now. When the feeling rises, I acknowledge them like a long lost friend, then lose them in the crowd.

Perhaps the time from the depths of despair to now seems too short for me to say definitively that I'm on my way, but there is no question, I do feel better, lighter, and ready to face it all.