Mother's guilt

I have mother’s guilt. I was not there for my child’s big moment. Indeed there are many big moments in a child’s life, teeth lost, presents unwrapped, good report cards and school plays. The X has missed many. Last night I missed one, the only one ever. D was performing in a show, she begged me to come, didn’t understand why I couldn’t. Needless to say, it felt awful.

To compound it, SHE was there. There were also others, family and friends to cheer D on, but it feels worse because of this particular presence. I don’t feel bitter, just annoyed.

The evening continued with bizarreness. There were some confusing feelings between myself and who I am know going to refer to as L. We were at dinner and his X walked in. He claims it was fine, but her vibe was clearly venomous. I knew exactly what she was feeling. It’s hard to see someone you loved for so long with another person. I don’t think he has settled on what his relationship with her should be. And I know, that is a daunting task to balance on an ever-changing scale.

I felt inundated with a myriad of relationships. For one day, and I will make sure, one day only, there were at the forefront of my mind. By the time they had settled from their chaotic dance, I was in desperate need of validation. An old friend came through and took me to the movies. That helped.

New Year, New Moon tonight, hold tight.