I learned long ago to never tell any one person everything. I no longer blurt out everything about myself to a new person. Truth be told, there is now just too much in my long life to tell. But my recent events over the last couple years are overwhelming.
It is to this point that I keep things close to my chest. Unfortunately there is just so much information that I still come across as “intense” and certainly complicated. As people get to know me I think they can predict how I will react, how I will be. This part I can’t hide. The details become less important. As much as I feel I have held back information, it really doesn’t matter to those that have gotten to know me.
New relationships are tricky. Not just with my so-called baggage, but because they seem expendable. I am more willing to quit them if they are not working for me. While I would never do this with an old friend, the ones that have truly been through it with me, it seems easy to end situations where I feel misunderstood.
I question myself on the self-serving part of this. Gratification is nice. I don’t consider myself a taker, but when a friendship becomes unequal, I lose interest. Perhaps it has to do with the profound neglect I experienced with the X. That certainly felt unequal. And as a result I want nothing to do with that feeling again.
I’m in a new situation now. There seems to be some struggle to define it, it’s clearly not a true relationship as there are many outside complications from both sides. My own, which I’ve understated, his own, which I find myself giving more credence to. I cringe when I realize this.
Looking objectively the whole thing seems messy and just too much. It seriously makes me wonder whether anything will come easy in my personal life or if I should just commit to become a cat lady....with dogs.
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