Trip anticipation

I have just booked tickets to see D in the New Year. It is a trip that is loaded with trepidation and excitement. I am very excited to see her and miss her terribly during this time she has been with her father.

The anxiety I have around the trip has more to do with my old life. I will be staying in a hotel instead of at my house, which is really no longer my house, as the X took it very soon after we split. The house itself represents a lot. I had my stroke there as well as some pretty seminal and nostalgic moments in my life.

The last time I went to the island, a year ago, it was with the high hope of a reconciliation with the X. I think at this point it is safe to say it was utterly disastrous. We had major misunderstandings about how it went; I thought it was over, he thought it was a fresh and slow start. I came home and started dating someone. D, in her childlike way, reported back to dad who went ballistic and called the lawyers in reaction.

It is with this strange taste in my mouth that I anticipate the visit. My dates were carefully chosen not to overlap with his girlfriend’s visit as well as the hub bub of the holidays. This is hard to handle when D is constantly asking why I can’t come over Christmas. I respond diplomatically saying “well you guys will be so busy” but what I really want to say is “there is no way in hell I want to see that woman.”

I blame her for nothing, it’s a gut reaction. I have come to terms with the new family dynamic. Accepting and balancing the relationship I have with the X is another story that seems to be in evolution. I have a strong bond with the kids. My old life is over and there are many parts that I don’t miss. But being there will undoubtedly dredge up old wounds. That’s what I have to prepare myself for.