So far so good on remaining drama-free for the holidays. I am cruising through unscathed and trying my darnedest to remain so. It is not without some significant effort and spectacular acting ability that I’m getting through.
The X has just had his girlfriend arrive at our house, now his house, on the island. Our kids are with him. On video chat I put on my brave face and deliver my positive message like a Prime Minister to his citizens. All will be well my people. Their little faces search me for meaning and all I can do is encourage the change. I say things like “sounds like fun having more people there. This is a good time to get to know her.” Of course I inwardly cringe, but I try my best not to let them see that. I dread meeting her by video camera.
The X led me to believe she would be there over Christmas. This took months for me to reconcile in my mind, the idea that she would be there opening gifts with my kids. I don’t know why I feel more significance with this act than any other. Could be my obsession with all things Christmas and the traditions we made and have now lost. I found out a couple of weeks ago that she would arrive after, and for some reason, this made me feel better. It meant she was spending the holiday with her family, not mine.
I can’t help but feel possessive. It’s the mothering instinct. It’s interesting to me that the kids are still my first priority after being told by a couples therapist years ago that my spousal relationship should come first. This was a concept I found hard to grasp, and apparently, still do. It’s hard to imagine anyone coming before them. This may be to my detriment, that my personal life will forever remain separate from my relationship with them.
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