Clear minded

The sky that was stormy, now seems so clear. I see how someone I thought was a friend, wasn't. Who is? Sounds so esoteric, but it is and it isn't. That's life right, at times so incredibly serious, at others, just like, oh well, that's life.

I am moving through it. The kids make it seem like light speed, and my health sometimes worries me that maybe I'm not moving fast enough. But the truth is, I just want to enjoy it. Now I get that whole " be in the moment" analogy. I also get how people can remain uncoupled (weird wording) for a long time. It can just become less important. Where you aren't defined by it.

Of course we all strive to achieve balance, and love and romance is a part of that. It doesn't seem like the right time for me to search this out. Or maybe my decision is that it should just find me?

I have to ask these questions now. The ones about support, my neediness, the best way to move on. I have taken that final step, clearing the way for me, and space to really think about my thoughts in a practical way. I do finally feel clear minded, and that, nebulous audience, is that right way to be at this moment.

There is only one way to put this, the thing, the love that has held me prisoner for over a year, has been put to an end. I've walked away, I've withdrawn.

I've spoken before of situations where no good can come, I tried, no good came. I went back into a situation where I thought I could be mature and deal with a friendship, even when for me, it was so much more. It wasn't that a mutual feeling didn't exist, it just wasn't the same on both sides. Shall we say, a difference in opinion?

Either way, it hurts. I was ready for this to happen, now I feel like crying, my lips are curling, but I can't cry. I guess that means I was ready for it. The truth is, I just want to move on. And ultimately have some more space, emotionally mainly.

I miss him already. But it is what it is. He is just a guy for crying out loud. This is nothing compared to what I've been through. I can do this.

This is where one of those cliches begs to be played. That what don't kill me, will only make me stronger, please hurry up now, cause I can't wait no longer. Should I tell Kanye he's part of the official quote now? It's the impatient part that gets me.

Rebel without a cause

Sometimes being a rebel is not that cool. Fighting against things that are happening, life's daily dramas, wondering why some people feel a certain way or see things differently. It is life and I will no longer debate those things, I can only change myself.

Acceptance, going with the flow, living in the moment (I always say cliches work). It feels good. Actually the feeling is more of NOT feeling. Not taking everything personally takes effort, but I can do it now. It's like an exercise, a flexing, that has to be done repeatedly until it comes naturally.

Suddenly thinking about how others feel, the proverbial walking in someone else's shoes, goes along with that too. Though I have not normally thought of myself as self-centred, this process has been none but. I see now that to move forward I have to think about other people, not just treating their feelings with respect, but accepting them for how they feel, how they are and what they mean to do in their own lives.

I'm inching forward.

Today's Horoscope

I never take these things as gospel, they are entertainment after all. But when they are on, boy oh boy.

Leo

You have been tormented by an event that has put your heart through a grueling agony. And to add to it no one can understand your story. The tunnel has been long and dark, but the end is plainly in sight.

The Darkside

The realization that this is coming from my darkside is not as overwhelming as I thought. I accept it, surprisingly. I'm in it, but I plan and hope to come out of it soon. (I'll probably change the background color at that point, but in the meantime, it's my Blue Period.)

Letting go of stuff that has me loaded down would help; kicking the annoyances that keep nipping at my heels, walking away from those molehills. I know what to do, it's just the doing that is holding me back. I find myself taking itsy bitsy baby steps. Painful, yes.

It can be frustrating seeing where I should be as a person, recognizing all I need to do, but feeling like treacle getting to it. I guess being aware is the first step. At least I've taken that one.

I told a friend recently that I was employing every cliche, and right now, day by day is the one that works best.

Imagination's Slippery Slope

Imagination fuels my writing. Without it my talent would be nought. But when the line between imagination and reality blur it can feel rather gruesome. I have no problem admitting that I can completely conjure up scenarios in my mind. My mother used to call it making a mountain out of a molehill. It didn't feel good when it was a molehill and as an adult, well the feelings tied up in it often feel insurmountable.

When I am right about the way something goes, it feels more intuitive, I was on the right track. Other times I completely make up the reason why a person is behaving a certain way, when of course, I have no idea what they are really thinking and what their reasons for reacting are. The point is it can be a slippery slope.

Along with the advent of Facebook (who hasn't succumbed to that?) it is so easy to feel like we are piecing together someone's life based on what they have posted. Indeed, so guilty of that. Social networking and its ills in this path of single life is a whole other topic though.

But what of the age old "I'm waiting for him to call"? Feeling caught up in that is so juvenile and immature to me. To be quite honest, I was never a waiter, and impatience is my middle name. The main reason I'm like this is that when the passion hits, I want to talk to that person right away. It's when I'm not in contact that my mind plays those tricks and I totally give in to my imagination. Is that so wrong? Should I learn the rules of the game?

Confusing imagination or dreams with reality is a lesson to be learnt. I want to be careful not to blur those lines because that's when the crazy starts. To quote A.S Byatt:

"Between fantasy and reality are the dreams. Things we touch, involuntarily, in dreams: things we possess there: untrodden paths we tread. This changes us."

So I am figuring out how to be clear on the use of my imagination. Flights of fancy will be used in writing, not in scenes of potential reality.

To Guide and Grow

Stepping out and figuring out how to embrace every part of me is not so easy. There are parts that have been neglected or even starved. Now they look at me like tweens trying to understand themselves. I face them now, and try my best.

I've felt less like a mother and more like a guide. That is true now more than ever. Except the truth is, I seek out more outside guidance then ever. With these trusted guides I feel like I can formulate the plot to move forward with purpose and truth.

The trite labeling of "single" seems so simple compared to what it is I'm trying to do. It's the growth, the extending, the suspension of juvenile beliefs, the education of mature ones, and ultimately what can work best for me.

Indeed the "me" part of all this is clanging in my ears. I've never considered myself that self-centered, but that is the point of this forum, so I guess I have to embrace that. Ultimately the process feels quite public anyway. I fall in front of people, old friends pull me up, new ones, well, some stay, some walk away.

I suppose it's a bit delayed in saying so, but welcome to the ever so public growth of me.

The Course

Relationships have a course. The frustrating part is when the end of the course seems premature. Anyone who has been dumped will know this. The potential of what you thought should happen, is final and must be faced. These are cases when one person acts without the other, not being on the same page, and there is nothing you can do to plead your case.

I feel this not only in my marriage, but in relationships that have come since. There is a point when I just don't feel comfortable, myself, or even happy. I ask "Is this relationship making me unhappy?"

It's a western idea that you should only do what makes you happy. Some things are hard and worth fighting for. But some, I have to face, must be let go. It's sad, but seems to be the only way. When the tools in the belt of useful items to assist in these situations, is empty, what else is there to do?

When I have arguments with friends, I know it is okay because afterwards because we will both have a sense of relief. It seems healthy. But to continue past this point, still feeling insecure about things, seems like a bad idea. I recognize now when I'm not being myself with someone, I feel fake and like an actor. It is insecurity with that person, I recognize it now. And though I would love to be happy all the time, but this feeling is not a good one.

When is something worth fighting for? How hard and how long?

I'm just a cave girl

The hardest to moderate are the ups and downs of my mood and outlook. I've surprised myself, as well as some longstanding friends, with the profound effect life has on me these days. I hate to use the words "vulnerable" or "raw", but that does seem like the best way to describe them. Part of me feels like a cave girl, I'm just learning how things really work.

Some days it's just fine, I'm happy that nothing important seems to be going on, and routine envelopes me warmly. On others, drama takes me by surprise. I try to look at it objectively, sometimes truly feeling untouched by it, like I'm in a coma and everything is going on around me. Other times I can't help but feel it stab me, I take every little thing personally, act irrational, or worse, I embarrass myself.

What's weird is that I was never like this. I used to let everything cruise by me. But that attitude I've decided was a fault, the result of which was that I felt nothing. I do blame much of it on being sleep deprived and exhausted from raising small children, but ultimately, I just let things slip by, I didn't speak up when I should have, I said yes to things I didn't want to do. I look back and wonder if I was a marshmallow living in a glass house.

What am I now? The jury is still out on that. The growth is slow, though much of that is the recovery of illness. The shoots are just coming out of the dead branches. I am learning to walk again (literally and figuratively) and navigate the reality of life and relationships.