Here is what single life has turned out to be for me so far; a post-modern evolution of the platonic affair. Not exactly the kind of summer I thought I’d have.
I have gotten to know someone very well, emotionally in particular, but not physically. He has been hung up on someone else, which was fine until my feelings changed from friendship to more than that. I kept thinking he would be over his previous relationship, to open up the opportunity, but he clearly was not, and it stung every time he spoke about it.
There are lots of reasons I should not engage in any sort of relationship right now. The main one of course being that I’m still trying to negotiate (legally and emotionally) my position as an ex-wife. It thought that being in this friendship was safe. But as we spent more and more time together, hanging out, enjoying the summer, and what do you know? It jumped up and bit me. Yeah, it really did feel like that.
I asked myself, was really him or just feelings I had that had to go somewhere, and I placed them on him? I haven’t been able to answer that. Being his “friend” solved a lot of things. It gave me a great companion, I got a chance to get to know someone new, and I heard about and evaluated someone else’s relationship issues.
I felt stuck in yet another role I detest playing, “the friend”. And to be told that, is even worse, almost degrading. This only stands when I have feelings for the person. I have other male friends, I don’t seek out their approval or compliments. This is similar to connections I’ve had in the past, where the attraction was obvious, the emotional connection was there, yet to act on anything else was not allowed.
So on I go, navigating this bizarre world of single life. I’m not sure I ever really fit in anywhere, so I’ll continue making up the rules as I go and see what life will send my way.
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