I have simmered down, as I knew I would. Some free time to think, days on my own as the kids have left to visit their father for a while. It feels good, this time to ponder, figure out how to move forward. It’s less a “how” and more a “be”, if that makes any sense. I am not planning anything, just having a sense of the moment and defining it for myself.
I have put the X in perspective. What I truly feel, and as usual I may just be convincing myself of this, is that extraneous circumstances will prevent us from ever evolving. His work and travel, my health resulting in a grounding (in every sense of the word), just compounds everything. The stars and the universe just aren’t in alignment for us.
This helps me move on and not think about any possibilities with him. It compartmentalizes what he is and who he is to me. I can label our relationship, at this point—parents—and recognize it within the structure of what society says X husbands should be. It will take acceptance on my part, as he has certainly been more to me over this last year.
To see and realize that this is the only way for me to move on, move forward, forces me to stop thinking about how this should go. The fact is, it’s gone. The time is passing. And every reference to time in a bad situation is true. It does heal.
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