*sigh*

Today is my 15 year wedding anniversary.

On Friendship

This of course brings me to friendship. When I was a younger adult, on the verge of motherhood, there was a period when I culled my friendships in a major way. I felt like I was in a different phase of life and there were too many people who didn't get it. A lot of the friendships that survived that period are the people who have stood strongly by me since then.

Last year, when I had my illness, a stroke, and my separation, true friends stood tall. Surprisingly only a couple fell by the wayside, but that was more due to the separation. That scenario taught me one thing; when something major is happening, people compare it to themselves. I saw this firsthand. There were very few who stepped up and offered real advice and relation at a time when I was so vulnerable and needy. The ones that did are giants in my life.

When I started dating, well I think my obsessive need for attachment made me try to fast-track friendship. It was put on, idealized, and from there I felt I had imagined the perfect person. I played the part, the dutiful girlfriend, and so did he, the adoring guy. How could I resist?

It is almost impossible, I have decided, for someone you date to become a good friend. It seems to me to be something that rarely happens. And when it does, that person probably should have just been a friend to begin with .

As above, so below

In terms of yoga and Eastern thought, I turn my mind to chakras. It may sound hokey, but this school of thought connects sexuality to creativity within the Swadisthana chakra. Meaning that in terms of energies, they come from the same place in our bodies.

This explains a lot of what has been going on in terms of the connections I make with people (men). I now feel free to explore and ask the question "Am I confusing sexual energy with creative energy?"

I don't doubt, as many women do, that I depend on sexuality to get what I want. In these contemporary times, I think we call on it less, but it's there regardless. If I even remotely like someone, this comes out, usually in the form of flirtation.

Now I feel I should take a step back, look at the big picture, and determine whether the guy I'm feeling connected to, is really in the realm or even deserving, of my sexual energy. And what I see is that connectedness does not always spell "boyfriend or partner".

This isn't something I had ever considered, but there you have it. A truth that I am using to create this new hierarchy of friendships in my world.