A Series of Reminders

My reactionary tactics have always ruled me. It’s something about myself that while I recognize it, is still hard to keep in check. I have noticed over the years, after reading many parenting and psychology books, that if you change your reaction to something, the outcome, if not on the positive, will at least be different.

The X and I are stuck in a terrible pattern. Every couple of weeks we end up in an argument. For the last few months it has been motivated primarily by his new relationship. Which if I’m to be honest with myself, is not that new. While that topic instigates things, it usually brings up much of what our core issues have and always will be: his inability to listen and understand what I’m saying, his preoccupation with finances, lack of emotion, or misplaced emotion, and inappropriate priorities.

This time was different. It may have been because we were on video chat, I could see my face, and hence my physical reaction to what he was saying. In the past I would have gone on the attack, instead I kept on my Buddha smile. He accused me of being smug. But it didn’t matter because it was real. I wasn’t angry, I was bemused.

My habit after situations like this were to fire off emails “ you hurt me when you said….”, but I didn’t do it this time. In the moment I understood that change was never going to happen. I left for a reason, and even having a life-altering stroke, when everyone expected it, I did not go back. Yes, I’ve thought about it in nostalgic moments. But as these arguments repeat themselves, they are like a highlighting reminder to me.

It is amazing to me that these bouts of awareness continue to come to me. It makes me feel like the experience of this life is a series of realizations so you can do better the next time round, in your second chance. I feel incredibly lucky that I got a second chance, at life proper, but also at how I view life. My outlook has changed, for the best I hope.