Stroke Support Group

It has taken me far too long to seek post stroke support. It was never something I was interested in. I went to one seminar when I was in rehab. And the truth is I wanted nothing to do with stroke. I was determined to achieve my pre stroke level and there was nothing anyone could say about that. Of course that is not what has happened.

The moment I was wheeled into the in-patient rehab institute, I swore I would do all in my power to get out of there as fast as possible. I had been in hospital for a month and I was happy to move on to this next stage. Being unable to walk, or move, quite frankly, never seemed permanent to me. In fact I felt more frustration over it than anything. Accepting the situation as is, wasn’t in my thoughts.

At the rehabilitative hospital I was one of only 4 people under 50 years old, the majority of patients were well over 60. They ate in silence in the dining room. It was very “One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest”. I felt so out of place. I wanted to smile, but I could only cry.

The work there was hard for me at first. Physio, occupational and speech therapists pushed me. I begged to be let out of the wheelchair and onto a walker, but it took time, longer than I thought. Day in and day out I exercised my stubborn muscles. I wouldn’t put it together until much later, how much of the stroke--the paralysis, the dizziness, the vision problems, the pain—was coming from my brain. At the time I was in Forest Gump mode, “go legs go”.

To come to a stroke survivors meeting at this point, a year and a half post, seemed moot. I was very wrong. There were people there who had been coming to the meetings for 15 years. They spoke about topics I had never been able to articulate for myself. Such as how much sound, when there is a cacophony of it, can affect me. Also how frustrating it is to look perfectly fine, I am now mobile, but have all these hidden issues that the outside viewer is unaware of.

I have accepted the stage I am at. I work around most of my issues to the point where people are shocked when I tell them I had a stroke. The truth being, I am not that person before, not in body and certainly not in mind. The survivors support group has surprised me and I’m looking forward to the next meeting.

A Series of Reminders

My reactionary tactics have always ruled me. It’s something about myself that while I recognize it, is still hard to keep in check. I have noticed over the years, after reading many parenting and psychology books, that if you change your reaction to something, the outcome, if not on the positive, will at least be different.

The X and I are stuck in a terrible pattern. Every couple of weeks we end up in an argument. For the last few months it has been motivated primarily by his new relationship. Which if I’m to be honest with myself, is not that new. While that topic instigates things, it usually brings up much of what our core issues have and always will be: his inability to listen and understand what I’m saying, his preoccupation with finances, lack of emotion, or misplaced emotion, and inappropriate priorities.

This time was different. It may have been because we were on video chat, I could see my face, and hence my physical reaction to what he was saying. In the past I would have gone on the attack, instead I kept on my Buddha smile. He accused me of being smug. But it didn’t matter because it was real. I wasn’t angry, I was bemused.

My habit after situations like this were to fire off emails “ you hurt me when you said….”, but I didn’t do it this time. In the moment I understood that change was never going to happen. I left for a reason, and even having a life-altering stroke, when everyone expected it, I did not go back. Yes, I’ve thought about it in nostalgic moments. But as these arguments repeat themselves, they are like a highlighting reminder to me.

It is amazing to me that these bouts of awareness continue to come to me. It makes me feel like the experience of this life is a series of realizations so you can do better the next time round, in your second chance. I feel incredibly lucky that I got a second chance, at life proper, but also at how I view life. My outlook has changed, for the best I hope.