Allergy

I have spent much of the summer feeling very strong and dare I say, vital. I was having less naps, less need for downtime, and as a result felt pretty normal. The meds that were making me drowsy were being pulled back so that helped. I had late nights socially, energy for my kids, and was thrilled that things were leveling out.

Two nights ago I went to bed noticing some hives on my legs. I thought it was a result of stress since this had happened once in the past. I didn’t think much further about it and just went to bed. I was aware that the previous four days I had been quite fatigued. My neuropathic leg pain had jumped up and I was walking with my cane again. The previous weekend had been truly exhausting, but I ploughed through it.

When I woke the next morning my lip was swollen. Classic allergy response. I went straight to my family doctor who questioned my blood pressure meds and suggested I replace them immediately and take Benadryl. That didn’t work and I ended up in Emergency being treated for anaphylactic response, epinephrine shot, IV’s of cortisone and god knows what else. My lips were swollen to a ridiculous size and I was covered in hives from head to toe.

There is still the mystery of what I am allergic to. I have been on the same meds for over 6 months, there is the possibility of food allergy, but I ate nothing different. The hives have lingered though I have a 5 day course of heavy duty Prednisone to take, which knocks me out completely.

The whining side of me is really saying, “Now? Really? I thought I was fine”. I recognize that rest is a must for recovery. Not so easy with two kids. Surprisingly, and possibly out of guilt, the X is coming in a few days to support the situation. I’m sure he will take the kids and that will give me a break.

The Tell

One of the last visible “tells” I have relative to my stroke, is my voice. It is often squeaky and tight sounding, people who don’t know ask if I have a cold. My favorite compliment came on a recent date when he said he thought it sounded sexy. I was skeptical because I am so sensitive about how I sound.

The fact is it’s just embarrassing for me at this point. I can’t go into loud places like bars or parties because no one can hear me. I definitely shy away from any scenarios where I may meet new people because I am so conscious of my voice.

The stroke affected my right side and subsequently paralyzed my vocal chords. Though I was very lucky to have my speech, my voice has returned very slowly. I have had months of voice therapy, drills and exercises, cameras shoved down my nose and still deal with varying degrees of sound on a daily basis.

At this point it seems to be an accepted fact that the trauma is what has affected it. My vocal chords, the experts summarize, have healed. I am holding emotion in my voice box unconsciously. This is bit like people who have a traumatic incident and never speak again.

I feel when emotion hits me. My throat tickles, a bit like butterflies, an actual physical stab. It has happened when I’ve read an email that affected my feelings or when I see caller I.D. and it’s someone I’m worried about speaking to. The most recent and thoroughly relevant instance was when I was on my way to a lawyer’s meeting regarding my divorce. I had to review some material before arriving, by the time I got there and throughout the meeting, I had no voice.

Everyday gets better. Mornings are the best, I sound like my old self. By evening, particularly when fatigue sets in, I am high pitched and tight. Sometimes it really just hurts like someone has their hands around my neck. The more I let go of some stresses, the better I sound. Lately it’s pretty good. I sound strong most of the time and the best is when friends notice and say so.

So much of my illness has been connected to stress and emotion. This final piece audibly shows how far I have come and how much stronger I can be. It feels good to finally be getting there.